Questioning my motives?

Wow! Time has flown. So much has happened in the past year. Break up's, make up's, talks of threesomes and also moving to Canada. Thinking about my motives of being in this relationship confuses me. I lay in bed wanting sex but yet again not being able to bring myself to take it. That's just it. I don't want to take it. Again i started punishing myself by thinking about why i didn't feel comfortable 'taking it'. My abuser took it.
As much as i try to get away from it. I cant. Cant get rid of my past. I try to deal with it my pretending im okay and generally i think i am. But im not. Times like this always bring it back. The thought doesn't terrorise me or anything. But it seems to get in the way.
I wonder if its just my partner. I wonder if i would be like this in a different relationship or if it's just me.
We dont talk enough. We dont get close enough. We kiss hello and goodbye.
We have 2 beautiful children who adore me and their father. I get love in abudance from them and i appreciate it. He is a good father, by saying that the children adore him. He is childlike and plays more with them then i do. Something however is missing. Am i selfish for not being happy?

Frustration

Okay, i have decided that i am definitely in a relationship rut. I reckon at least 99% of people must surely be experiencing this too!! I go from 'i'm sure it will work out if i just persevere' to ' fuck this, i want out NOW!!'. I blame myself then i blame him. I know im not being unreasonable. Well at least i think im not. Since i have decided to 'give it another go' after breaking it off. I have tried to exercise the little patience i have. I have tried to please him, tried to look at him in the same light i did when we met. Tried to think about the good things. Yet still i cant help but get annoyed by what he doesnt do as opposed to what he does. i.e. decorating and not clearing up. Not washing a plate after i have jst finished the dishes, leaving the toilet shitty! I have tried to smile more and to stop myself when i feel im about to blow. But yet i still feel as though he is all talk and no action. And i say that at a push as communication always seems to break down. I think i want a miracle but i know deep down that is highly unlikely.

And so it begins

I've always been a fan of writing a diary while growing up and along the way.
Seeing as i feel as though i am clearly insane i figured i desperately needed an outlet. So her i am about to become a slave to my PC. Well it beats being a slave to everyone else.
I very tired so dont know why i have the strength to do this at 1:49 in the morning. I am going on a family holiday today. Have i finished packing?...NO. Have i finished cleaning and washing?......NO. Am i looking forward to the journey?............Answers on a postcard.