Wow! Time has flown. So much has happened in the past year. Break up's, make up's, talks of threesomes and also moving to Canada. Thinking about my motives of being in this relationship confuses me. I lay in bed wanting sex but yet again not being able to bring myself to take it. That's just it. I don't want to take it. Again i started punishing myself by thinking about why i didn't feel comfortable 'taking it'. My abuser took it.
As much as i try to get away from it. I cant. Cant get rid of my past. I try to deal with it my pretending im okay and generally i think i am. But im not. Times like this always bring it back. The thought doesn't terrorise me or anything. But it seems to get in the way.
I wonder if its just my partner. I wonder if i would be like this in a different relationship or if it's just me.
We dont talk enough. We dont get close enough. We kiss hello and goodbye.
We have 2 beautiful children who adore me and their father. I get love in abudance from them and i appreciate it. He is a good father, by saying that the children adore him. He is childlike and plays more with them then i do. Something however is missing. Am i selfish for not being happy?
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